“When the plane was taking off…I will start everything again elsewhere…I was simply looking for a haven.”
Ying Chen, “On the Verge of Disappearance”.
The plane took off on schedule. I was at the window seat and looked out one last time, reflecting on the glaring but fading lights of the Philippine International Airport and its surrounding areas. “The very instant the place is out of your sight,” according to Alberto Manguel, “it is no longer yours, the way you knew it…So while you think, with more or less certainty, that you are leaving a place, the place is leaving you too, receding into itself, drifting away from you, irretrievably, decisively, unfaithful at the very moment of farewell, long before you have admitted to yourself that this time, maybe, it is forever.”
That was September 4, 1977, a mere 44 years ago.
Arrived in the afternoon on the same date in Toronto. My mom and I would be staying in my sister’s condo at Massey Square in Scarborough, together with her husband and eldest son. My sister was pregnant again. So she sponsored my mom to be a live-in babysitter. I was included for the ride.
It was a little bit chilly when we went out for dinner. I was wearing just a tee shirt, unaccustomed to matching my clothes with Canada’s weather, hovering at a single digit above zero-degree Celsius. It was my first time to eat steak and mashed potatoes (instead of boiled rice) at Ponderosa restaurant. The next day I woke up eager to walk around the block. In the streets of Victoria Park and Danforth, I saw more white people for the first time in my life (when they were still the majority until the Greater Toronto Area, or GTA, becomes predominantly multicultural). There were also so many small businesses along the way. I didn’t want to stray that far; afraid I might not find my way back. The next time I ventured out I discovered the library (I even went there during my first snow storm). Then I was introduced to the transportation system of metropolitan Toronto, the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC). The underground subway was an eye-opener. It was confusing at first, but the East-West and North-South lines were easy to remember, though going out of the subway, especially in the corridors of downtown Toronto, was again a huge challenge (until I mastered my way through The Path).
Everything was new and different. For me, though, it wasn’t much of a culture shock but a lack of sophistication. Filipinos have long affinities for anything made in the USA. In fact, the Philippines is the third largest English-speaking country. The country has seen so many American TV programs and movies. I remember watching True Grit and Midnight Cowboy at the movie house and was disappointed when John Wayne got the nod for the Oscar’s 1970 Best Actor category instead of Dustin Hoffman. One other film that left a mark on me was The Paper Chase (1973). I was still an undergraduate, studying to complete a Bachelor of Arts Degree major in Political Science. I was awed by the intimidating and imposing figure of Professor Kingsfield portrayed by John Houseman. On the first day of class, Professor Kingsfield talked about his Socratic method of teaching, and then came the line that stayed with me forever: “You come in here with a skull full of mush and you leave thinking like a lawyer.” Fast forward to1976, I became a first-year law student and experienced first-hand the Socratic method, though I didn’t end up being a lawyer.
Of course, Canada is not the United States. Years later, the differences between countries are more pronounced. I come to love Canada more, though it took several years before I came to that realization. Canada, at first, was just a temporary stop. The plan was to work for five years, save enough money, go back home, and continue my law studies. As the saying goes, “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” I got married at age 24 and had a daughter at age 26.
To have a better chance of getting promoted in the workplace, I took night and on-line courses. In 1990, I obtained my Bachelor of Administrative Studies degree at York University. In 1997, I got my Certified General Accountants (CGA) designation. In 2006, I received my Certificate in Performance Measurement (CIPM) designation, a 2-year educational program in the investment field. In between those years, I successfully passed several work-related certificates. So I was a long-time student for twenty four years in order to compensate for my dream of becoming a lawyer.
Raising a family with a meagre pay was not easy. The wife had to work as well. Yet all we could afford was to rent an apartment. We didn’t stay long in our rented place. We moved from one apartment to another, from several areas in Scarborough to as far away as Rexdale in the west of Toronto. When my mother-in-law arrived in 1983, the problem and cost of babysitting were resolved. That’s the same year I went back to university studying at night. In 1989, we bought a four-bedroom detached house in Pickering.
In February 1996, I went back home to the Philippines together with my wife and daughter. After nineteen years I felt like a stranger. It seemed I lost the tie that bound me to this place. I didn’t know how to get around the country unless being driven and accompanied by relatives. Everything was slow and congested. When we had the chance to go to my hometown of Urdaneta in Pangasinan, I felt saddened with the looks of our house and street I spent so many years of my young life. We decided to stay overnight in a resort area in Manaog, just overlooking the South China Sea. We drove the next day to Baguio using the Marcos Highway and saw the bust of the late dictator. The cold weather I remember in Baguio didn’t affect us at all. We’re wearing summer clothes without a hitch. We had to wake up early for our bath because water was being rationed and would be shut down at around 7am. We left Baguio to go back to Parañaque. We stopped at Dagupan City for lunch and I took the opportunity to buy a dozen milkfish for which Dagupan was famous at one time. The sight-seeing trip was quick, not enough to experience the beautiful landscapes and resorts of Luzon. After all, the island of Luzon, especially the provinces affected by the eruption of Mt. Pinatubo in 1991, had not fully recovered. We still got dusted with volcanic ashes after five years.
But not all was lost in this homecoming. There were some memorable moments. One was the opening up of the city streets in Manila during the weekend of Lent. Before it took us more than an hour to travel from Parañaque to the super mall in Makati, now it was just fifteen minutes. We also went to a hot spring resort (called Crystal Spring) somewhere in Laguna and visited the house of Rizal in Calamba. We posed for pictures in front of Rizal’s monument in Luneta. We went to Tagaytay and I got to play a round of golf with the help of young girl caddies, telling me how to hit the golf ball properly. The wife and daughter got to shop at Glorietta.
In October 25, 1982 I received my Certificate of Canadian Citizenship. That decision was borne out of practicality. First, I have all the advantages of being a Canadian that can be limiting to an immigrant. Second, my Canadian passport allows me to travel in countries, like the US, without applying for a visa. Third, Canada provides better economic opportunities as a developed country. Fourth, I can exercise my right to vote in any elections, be it federal, provincial or municipal. And last, I call Canada home now (that first trip back home in 1996 affirmed my decision to be a Canadian citizen was the right call).
Canada is not immune to the problems of racism for people of colour. The degree of experience is, of course, different from one racial community to another. As a result, integrating to the Canadian identity is not that easy. Therefore, people of the same nationality tend to live and congregate in areas where they feel safe and have a sense of belonging. Or form organizations which they can share and continue their traditions from their countries of origin. But because Canada is a welcoming country, multiculturalism has flourished in major cities like Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Winnipeg, and Halifax. It contributes to Canada’s strength as a nation. Michael Ignatieff writes, “The most useful new Canadians are those who have refused to think of their passage to Canada as a process of discarding.”
There’s no discarding of my Filipino identity. The memories of my early upbringing will remain with me forever. But Canada has given me and my family a safe and permanent haven. The once-feeling of not belonging to a place has faded while the love for Canada has grown with pride. I departed but now I have arrived.
18 August 2021