“Difficile est longum subito deponere amorem, / Difficile est, verum hoc qua lubet efficias.
It is hard to abruptly shrug off a long-established love, / Hard, but this somehow you must do.”
– Robert Galbraith, Lethal White.
I see her but she doesn’t see me. I pass her by with her friends and classmates, but not a glance comes in my way. It is difficult to have no charm and to be totally invisible to everybody. When asked who I am, most will say: average guy; don’t know him that much; silent; ordinary; unprepossessing; unsociable; and more of the same negative impressions. But I don’t care what the rest of them may say. I just want her to notice me…once in a while.
I am not expecting to bump into her. I am on my way to the school building for the afternoon class. She is walking towards the church alone. As we cross path, she looks at me and smiles. So surprise I can’t even smile back. Then in a breeze, she is gone. Though the encounter is brief, it etches on my mind for a thousand recalls. It is one of the joyful moments of my life.
Another memorable event during high school in my four years of absorbing the pain of unrequited love is when I am paired with her to dance the Maria Clara, popularly known as The Cariñosa. On the day we have to perform scheduled in the late afternoon, I am frenetically trying to get back home after spending the morning hours playing basketball in another town. When I arrive at the school, I find her hiding alone in a covered balcony attached to one of the classrooms. She is crying for the impending humiliation of us not performing if I don’t show up. She calms down when she sees me minutes before we dance. I can only apologize; it is not a good way to endear her.
Prom Night is coming. I don’t have the courage to ask her as my date. In a last minute, I approach someone else. When everybody arrives in the ballroom, I see her in her glamorous outfit, looking so beautiful. My heart sinks when I notice her handsome partner from another school. They look amazing and seem to be in love. I can see the easiness in their movements. They must have known each other for quite some time. It is stupid of me to be ignorant and unaware. My only focus is my feeling towards her. I am so blind to think she is available just for my desire. Definitely the door is closed; I can no longer knock and expect her to open it for my benefit. I sulk the rest of the evening and ignore my date. When she asks me to leave early, I welcome the opportunity to escape and ease my ever-increasing discomfort. I cannot sleep properly a few many nights thereafter. I long for her but I can sense she can no longer be mine. I won’t see her again after our graduation.
Then out of the blue I receive a call from a former high school classmate. We are all now in our second year of pursuing our respective university degrees. I am invited to join him and others to celebrate her birthday at her place. I spend days after days looking for the perfect gift. Flowers are nice but they quickly wilt. I buy instead a knitted red rose encased in a rectangular glass case as a symbol of my permanent admiration of her no matter where our love fate may end. I even pay for the extra wrapping service to ensure it draws attention. When we arrive at her place almost simultaneously, I am the only one with the gift. She accepts it but does not bother to open it. She puts it aside while we eat and reminisce. She talks and laughs with others while I remain a listener. I feel envious when she seems to be flirting with one of the guys. I leave the party feeling miserable. That’s the last time I see her.
After ten years, I receive my law degree and pass the bar. I join a boutique law firm specializing in divorces and marital conflict resolutions. I remain unmarried. I can’t seem to open up my heart again for an emotional rollercoaster that hopefully will end up in a happy marriage. I listen to the endless conversations of my friends about their wonderful children. They complain a lot about how busy they are raising their kids but at the same time marvelling in their kids’ spontaneous antics. I nod and smile, trying my best to be agreeable and likeable. But deep within the recesses of my heart, I yearn for the love I give up without a fight. It is sickening to think of wanting something so bad and so passionately and yet there is no ounce of courage to do the right thing. When love stares, why do I look the other way?
Reunion night. I see her with the same guy at the Prom Night, now her husband. They have four children – three girls and a boy. Their easy relationship is gone, replaced by tension and anger. They are arguing and trying hard not to make a scene. The husband leaves their table and hangs out at the bar with former friends. He is making jokes and laughing boisterously. Meanwhile his wife is sitting alone and putting a brave smile to deflect the self-pity that she feels inside. I approach her carefully and reintroduce myself. It takes her a while to recognize me. Then I see a glint of elation in her eyes. She remembers me as the guy with the surprised and funny looking face she meets on her way to the church. But not the one who dances with her, so close and yet so far. We talk about ourselves. That’s when I come to know she has four children. They are now in their teens because she marries her husband right after graduating from university with a nursing degree. She admires them equally. Before I leave the party and come home to my lonely condo, I give her my business card. Then I grab her hand as a gesture of reassurance, that she can trust me and that I can really help in soothing out her marital difficulties. I leave her feeling sad and concerned of her situation.
It takes almost a year before she makes an appointment to see me at my law firm. She looks skinnier and has aged quite considerably the last time we met. I try to put her at ease with my nonsensical talks before I grill her with questions about the reason for her visit.
“Are you ready to talk?”
“Yes.”
“So tell me, how can I help you?”
“I am an example of domestic violence and my husband is getting more abusive each day.”
“How did it come to be? You are the most loving couple ever. What has changed?”
“People change. Love falters as time goes by. You lose your youth and appearance and people start seeing things that didn’t matter before, especially your flaws. They become more pronounced than the love they felt once. You are now a different person as far as they are concerned.”
“Well, I still see you as the most beautiful person that I laid eyes on. I always believe love endures because it is not selfish.”
“I agree but only if it’s mutual.”
I am about to say I have loved her for a long time although it is one-sided but I hold back. I should not insert myself with her problem. She deserves nothing but understanding now.
“Domestic violence is hard to resolve mutually for it requires compromises from both parties. Once you accuse your husband of abuse, he will entrench rather than apologize and change. The only solution is for you to get out of your marriage. But it can be messy as well where the custody of children will be the main sticking point. But since they are almost young adults, their constant care will not be an issue. We can agree to have scheduled visitations or alternate custody.”
“I can live with that but what will be my next step?”
“I recommend you leave your husband immediately and stay with friends or relatives who will serve as your protection against further violence. Don’t ever meet with your husband alone. Always tell your friends or relatives where you are going. Take your children with you to avoid your husband using them as leverage to see you. Let them know they can speak to their father but not to live with him. If your children refuse to come with you, then there’s nothing much we can do. But you have to leave for your safety. You are the target of his anger. You are the victim. He will not hesitate to use his power of control over you. And he can only do that through fear, intimidation and violence. He is a bully and won’t stop until he gets what he wants. Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you every step of the way. Draw strength from you inner will but be open to my help and support. I cannot stress enough how …”
I stop before I can say “I love you so much”. Saying those words won’t help her. My feeling does not matter.
*****
How many times do we regret for our failure of acting soon enough when the possibilities are there to be taken. Too many analyses don’t make a perfect plan. There are risks and contingencies, of course, to complicate matters. But who cares if your happiness is at stake.
A few weeks after her visit, I read from the newspaper that she’s been murdered by her husband. Another statistic of domestic violence. When love endures, she should not have a tragic end.
19 January 2023