When Cicero prosecutes Dumbus Trumpenis

By | October 14, 2022

“Rome! Stick to Rome, my dear fellow, and live in the limelight!” – Marcus Tullius Cicero.

Cicero has just finished his early morning mental and physical exercises when he summons Tiro to bring in his first client of the day. 

“Master,” Tiro announces, “I bring you Sthenius of Thermae.” 

Right away Cicero smells a victim of corruption. “Sthenius, I know you. I stayed in your place twice when I visited Sicily.” 

“That’s right and I was a very wealthy and prominent citizen then.”

 “So, what can I do for you?”

“I am ruined. All my wealth is gone. I’ve been robbed by Governor Dumbus Trumpenis. And my life is in terrible danger. I need your help but I can’t pay you!”

“You have my sympathy Sthenius but I need you to tell me your story before I can take on your case.”

Sthenius begins his story:

“Three months earlier I received a letter from Trumpenis. He said he wanted to see my art collections. He came with rough-looking bodyguards; one of them was Sextius who is the official executioner for the whole of Sicily. Sextius always demands bribes from his victims as his compensation for not botching the job. I was intimidated and scared right away. Then Trumpenis started pointing at my treasures for his henchmen to grab, including The Discus Thrower by Myron and The Spear Bearer by Polycleitus. My thirty years of travelling and haggling to collect my treasures gone in seconds. He just claimed them as his properties without compensation.”

Cicero asks, “You did not complain?”

“Who? The Governor?” Sthenius laughs. “He already brought a charge against me through Agathinus who is my number one enemy.”

“What’s the charge?”

“Forgery for disobeying his demand of approaching the town council to have its approval of removing a four-century old statue. I was found guilty and whipped in front of the whole town as my punishment for insolence. Then he ridiculed me by calling me Anus Sthenius. Everybody got a good laugh at my expense. Then they started chanting: Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! I fled immediately and came to Rome for protection. ”

“Don’t say anything anymore,” Cicero says. “I’ll take your case!”

**********

Tiro thinks his master is crazy for taking a dangerous case as Sthenius’s. Trumpenis has a lot of high-ranking senators and politicians who turn a blind eye as long as the loot is shared with them. There is Michus Macconellonius, called the grim reaper, for inflicting a lot of pain and suffering to the ordinary Roman citizens; another is Kevinus Maccarthius, an unprincipled charlatan who easily sells his soul to the highest bidder; and Jimus Jordanus, their attack dog, very sly and a formidable opponent of Cicero. Also, Trumpenis has a lot of enablers who are willing to back him up for power’s sake – to be relevant, have status, and feel important – to name a few, like Lindseus Grahamus, Tedius Cruzus and Marcco Rubius.  They even have public relations operatives in the likes of Seanus Hannitius, Lauracius Ingrahamus and Tuckerus Carlsonus, who work for Ruperticus Murdochus and ensure they get special and positive coverage all the time.  But Cicero’s courage has no bounds. Immediately, he makes a list of legal textbooks he requires for his prosecution. Then he sends Tiro off to the library to get them. Cicero’s well-known, methodical preparation gets into high gear.

**********

The Forum Magnum, or simply the Forum, serves as the venue to conduct all government businesses, such as military processions, elections, public speeches, criminal trials, and commercial affairs. Jordanus senses something big is going on when he notices Cicero backslapping and grinning with the new and progressive senators at the Senaculum, an open-air lobby of the Forum where senators hang out and wait till they have the duly-constituted quorum. Once inside and after a few debates of minor issues, Cicero stands up and speaks. 

“This morning, a client of mine tells me of an on-going abuse of prominent citizens in the province of Sicily. In fact, the mistreatment is so horrible, so shameful, and so cruel that even the gods are flooding the streets with their tears. My client seeks our protection from the governor of Sicily, who is a thief, and in doing so we can stop his viciousness as well.”

As a serving praetor, Jordanus can have the floor anytime. He jumps to his feet and booms in his chirpy voice, “Senators, this is just fake news! We can’t allow a senior member of our order to be defamed without the opportunity to defend himself. No notice is given that this motion is to be discussed. This is definitely a flagrant abuse of opportunism on the part of Cicero. I move that this sitting be suspended immediately!”

Maccarthius, with his conceited body posturing due to his noble upbringing, takes the floor and says, “I shall speak and like to point out that Cicero knows nothing about the highest traditions of the senate for if he did he should have realized you can only attack an official in his presence. Cicero has no breeding for as the old wisdom says ‘an ounce of heredity is worth a pound of merit.’ Cicero can talk but he is no gentleman.”

Not to be outdone, Macconellonius stands up and drones the senate with his endless talk of honour, integrity, rule of law, and the righteousness of republican conservatism. He doesn’t allow anybody else to talk until Gellius Publicola, as the presiding consul, dissolves the house due to darkness without voting on Cicero’s motion.   

**********

So many things had happened since the day Cicero crossed the Rubicon. Pompey the Great came home to Rome as a conquering hero and a sure bet to become a consul. But at the end, he had to share the consulship with Crassus. Trumpenis found Sthenius guilty of espionage in his absence, sentenced him to be crucified and dispatched his officials to bring him back to Sicily for execution. But Cicero successfully convinced the tribunes to protect his client while in Rome. Jordanus cleverly maneuvered to schedule the trial of Trumpenis to coincide with important events, such as Pompey’s Games, the Festival of Flora, Day of Apollo, the Tarentine Games, the Festival of Mars, and so on, thereby limiting Cicero’s prosecution of Trumpenis to fifteen days. 

**********

And so on the fifth day of August, a year and nine months when Sthenius approached Cicero, the trial of Trumpenis begins. Tiro is busy organizing and coordinating all witnesses and evidence boxes be admitted inside the Forum, following Cicero’s instruction. Glabrio, as the new presiding consul, announces that the court is now in session. Immediately, Jordanus stands up to make several points of order until there are only two hours left before the court adjourns for the night. By the time Cicero is allowed to speak, the crowd is now bored and restless. Nevertheless, Cicero proceeds with his opening remarks:

  “Gentlemen of the court, we have been gifted directly from heaven the opportunity to mitigate the unpopular belief that you, senators, who have been tasked as the jury will never convict a man of wealth no matter how guilty he is. Here is your chance to restore your good name and bring about trust and confidence in the fairness of this court. For the vileness of the character of the man I am prosecuting can never be denied! I have here before me all the witnesses and boxes of evidence proving that Trumpenis has robbed the treasury, acted like a pirate and executed innocent lives, including that of honourable Roman citizens. Can you believe that, I repeat, including honourable Romans! Find this man guilty, senators, and your honour will be restored. The nation will owe you a great debt.

“Look at him, people; he is full of arrogance because he knows he will be vindicated by his so-called friends. He has corrupted and bribed the senatorial courts and the jury; has full disdain of rules and laws; and has bought the consular election of two titled friends, who at once, reciprocated by intimidating my witnesses.”

Jordanus and his cohorts start howling and gesticulating with raised arms and tight fists in anger with Cicero.

“Aha, gentlemen, truth hurts indeed! But I am bound with duty and honour to protect Rome against the dangers that Trumpenis brings to the integrity and values of our institutions and democracy. I will not allow a single ounce of corruption permeates our sacred quest for virtues to be ingrained in our society! I will not be playing along with your tactics of technical delays, long speeches and intimidations. So I am calling my witnesses right away with their individual charges and evidences. May Apollo, Saturn, the most high and mighty Jupiter, and all the immortal gods and goddesses of wisdom and justice be on the side of truth.”

**********

And so day after day, Cicero mesmerizes the crowd with his careful questioning of the witnesses, backed up with solid proofs. By the time he sits down, there is no question the crowd is on his side. Jordanus has not prepared and so he remains seated most of the time when it’s time for him to cross-examine the witnesses, except Sthenius. One golden rule of cross-examination is to know the answer before questioning. Jordanus reluctantly asks Sthenius why he has selected Cicero who is known as an agitator of the lower classes. “But Cicero is not my first choice,” Sthenius replies. “It was you! You told me you are representing Trumpenis and didn’t care if my properties were stolen, for you would never take the words of a Sicilian over a Roman.” 

Jordanus fails to mount a good defence. Sensing defeat, Trumpenis slips out of the Forum unnoticed. He flees Rome at nightfall disguised as a woman. He travels to the port of Mar-a-Lago, a well-known destination of exiles and retirees who spend their remaining years swapping stories about their perceived victimization. Trumpenis thumbs his nose at the law, escapes punishment and gets rewarded to retire in peace.   

**********

The trial of Trumpenis is over. Cicero can only muster a fine of one million and a half sesterces. Cicero plans to contest the low-ball amount but Pompey the Great advises him to take it. Cicero cannot deny Pompey’s subtle suggestion as Cicero is now part of the inner circle of Pompey the Great.

“Tiro, I know you are disappointed. I am, too. But I am a politician with an ambition to be a consul someday. It is difficult to mix justice with politics. If I went against Pompey the Great, I have to kiss my ambition goodbye. There are battles you can fight with your whole life. This is not one of them. Trumpenis has made corruption a normal behaviour and a noble profession for the wealthy and powerful. They enable him because they have benefitted well with his conduct. He is nothing but a useful idiot. They don’t care about you and me as long as they remain in power and are well-secured financially. They think they are above the laws which, in the first place, are created for their own interests. It’s hard to fight them because they form alliances with their considerable resources to use. They are also very ingenious in twisting and throwing words against the wall and see what sticks. Even with my cleverness in making speeches, I am but only one against the many. And when you look strong and mighty, people will easily fall for you. As the saying goes, ‘People in a mass are as stupid and easily frightened as a school of fish or a herd of beasts’. You can peddle lies and grift often, still they will believe in you no matter how many scandals you have been exposed to. You may call it a cult attraction. But this is a justification for those who are always angry and feel victimized, who have no meaningful lives except in the world of conspiracies, of religious righteousness and intolerance, of defeating movements toward the liberal fights for more rights and freedoms. The world will always be divided. Trumpenis and his kind can never be erased because evil must exist for good to transcend. They may lose their marvel someday when people have enough of their gruesome and selfish antics, when they realized they are not being served well but used as pawns for power’s sake and to maintain the status quo. When that time comes, I will be in a good position to right the wrong because by then I have the power, legitimacy and authority to fight. How will history judge us, Tiro? I don’t know. But first it needs to know and remember us. So let’s go to work and make our mark!”  

5 October 2022