“There are lots of things that do happen in life and lots that could, but you’re just left waiting for them. It seemed to me that more things I wanted were coming very slowly, and when they did happen it wasn’t the way I’d wanted and planned; they’d all taken too long, as if to annoy me, and then suddenly you’d look, and they’d have already passed. Like those cars going by.” – Orhan Parmuk, The Silent House (2012).
“He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How.” – Nietzsche.
-How are you today?
-Oh, much better today, thank you. That’s the challenge we have to face each day, isn’t it? Nothing is more important to us now than the level of energy we may have after waking up in the morning. If we have more, then the day will turn out all right. Otherwise, we will be either sitting or resting most of the time and watching TV for hours.
-I wish we’re done with life, but the irony is we cling to it like a fabric softener does to a dried cloth. It’s our ridiculous weakness and yet we don’t do anything about it.
-We’re just scared, that’s all. We’re afraid to kill ourselves, so we await the hand of God to do it for us.
-So what do we do now?
-Well, you have your routine, so do I.
-Let’s meet up for lunch then.
-Sounds good to me.
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Susan and Fernando are old, still managing to live independently in their mortgage-free, two-bedroom townhouse in Markham and living off with their government pensions to cover their expenses. They’re still not ready to downsize.
They were blessed with a son in their fifty-five years of marriage and four grandchildren who make their relationship with their son bearable. They make all the effort to visit their son and his family as often as they can. They don’t make a fuss about it; after all they are retired and have all the time in the world.
Their daily routine is simple: exercise in the morning, take a shower after, have lunch at noon, read books while having tea, take a short nap, have dinner with either red or white wine, catch up with the TV news and their favourite programs, and go to bed at past 11 pm. Their schedule is disrupted when they have to go out for grocery, shopping, medical appointments, or meeting with the few friends who are still alive.
Both immigrated to Canada from the Philippines in the 70s. They met by chance in a birthday party. As they both worked in Toronto’s financial district, they always met up for lunch and got to know each other pretty well until they decided to tie the knot. Susan’s pregnancy was quite a challenge. She had four miscarriages before their son Michael was born. Susan had to stay in the hospital over a month because of a placenta issue and had a caesarean section to bring Michael out of her womb. Susan carried that scar in her stomach with joyful pride. That made Michael a very special child. He kept his parents’ marriage last forever.
Michael knew he was well-loved by his parents and they would support him come hell or fire. So he took advantage of them, always asking for money and other stuff he might need for the house as well as for family vacations. He never offered to pay them back. Whenever there was a big occasion to celebrate, he asked his mom to organize it. Ever so willingly to please, the mom put all her energy into it, including paying for all the party expenses. Then she would begrudgingly complain about Michael’s lack of appreciation. Her husband could only empathise. But both just suffered in silence.
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-I was just on the phone with Michael.
-What does he want this time?
-Well, he is thinking of having a coming-of-age party for Damien and asking if I could be involved.
-Did you say yes?
-How could I say no? Besides I like doing stuff like that and have the time.
-Okay. But remember, it’s not only time that you have to spend; your money, too.
-He’s the only child. Who else would I give my money away? Besides, Damien likes party cakes and blowing the candles. He will be very happy.
-We had this conversation many times before and always ended up feeling underappreciated.
-I know.
-The things we do for our child and grandchildren, huh. They seem to never end.
-Such is the spice of our life.
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We decided to sell the house and gave half of the proceeds to Michael. We rented an apartment close to Michael’s house. Fernando couldn’t drive anymore. So if we wanted to visit Michael and his family, we took a taxi or called for an Uber service. Sometimes, we asked Damien to pick us up now that he’s licensed to drive. The visit was always quick. As soon as we finished our coffee or tea, we asked to leave for our much needed rest. Michael would always drive us home.
We still exercised everyday but not for long. We did hand and leg stretches and few minutes of walking around the apartment building. We took an hour-nap in the afternoon and already in bed in the evening at 9pm. There wasn’t we could do more with our time than sleep and rest.
-I think we have a good life, don’t you agree?
-Absolutely.
-I want to be cremated when I die.
-Me, too.
-That would save Michael and his family the inconvenience of visiting us in the cemetery.
-It really doesn’t matter one way or the other for Michael. He never makes an effort to visit us now. Do you expect him to visit us when we are dead?
-Not really. It’s not in Michael’s DNA to reciprocate our love.
-We are meant to rely with one another. I wish we would die at the same time.
-That would be nice.
-I wish further I could have done more with my life.
-Don’t regret. It would only spoil your day. There’s nothing more you could do with the past.
-I know but when I dream at night, my past always haunts me. And in that dream, it seems I have the power to change the outcome.
-Your mind is just playing trick on you. Don’t put too much meaning on it.
-I don’t. I have fully accepted the good and the bad. I couldn’t be much happier sharing my life with you for more than half of it.
-Likewise. And I couldn’t ask for a better man in my life than you.
-Did we spoil Michael to a point he would never love us in return?
-I guess we did because we don’t have a choice.
-It would be rare for the only child to have a loving relationship with his or her parents.
-I don’t think it’s relegated to the only child to be indifferent to their parents. Many children ignore their parents until they need something.
-I understand completely if their parents are mean to them.
-Ah, that’s where you got it wrong. The cruelty of parents can be a strong attachment sometimes.
-Psychology 101?
-In a way, or like a magnet where opposites attract.
-Relationship is complicated.
-Yeah and there’s no winning or losing. Just try and hope for the best.
-It’s too bad we only had one trial-and-error on how to raise a child.
-But if we had more, then this conversation could have gone sideways.
-I’m just lamenting how far we mess up.
-Don’t blame us too much. It takes two to tango. Michael wants a different dance. And we are not the right partners.
-So we just sit and watch him dance.
-Precisely. We are here to support him come what may. We clap even when he dances crap.
-So he stinks and we bear the smell. Or we’re like the toilet tissues that wipe the shit and are discarded down the drain immediately.
-You can say that and we always endure though our noses are pretty much clogged these days.
-I guess in a way there’s no such thing as ideal parenting method.
-No, so is a perfect life.
-We’re too hung up with perfection and happiness we forget they are just benchmarks for a good living. In fact, they’re not even realistic. We should just focus on joyful moments. Our relationship with Michael is as good as we make it to be. No sense for us to regret the outcome of our marriage. We just have to be thankful for the experience. Don’t let our insecurities be the measure of our relationship to him. Unconditional love is.
-I couldn’t agree with you more. When the time comes that we are no more, everything passes as if we didn’t exist. We’re just one of the branches in the tree of life. Nobody notices it but the whole tree; therein lies the beauty of existence. We are miniscule in the overall scheme of things. Still we are necessary for the thread of life to continue.
-The irony of it all is that everything comes in circle. What we feel now, perhaps Michael will do, too, someday…
23 June 2022
