Once we hit puberty, along with the newly activated hormones and awakening libido, we begin to be preoccupied with romantic notions for whatever sexual orientation we may have. We begin not only to take an interest in the opposite sex albeit, even becoming obsessed with finding the right person. The person we imagine to be our gateway to heaven. Not surprisingly, we have conjured an image that is perfect in all respects. The standard is ideally: tall, good-looking, funny, generous, preferably wealthy, and so the list goes on.
Perhaps we might include some reality in the fact that we have to also fit to the standard we conjure because it is, unbelievably, the standard most people look for. As a priest once said to us starry-eyed senior high schoolers: “To find the right person is to be the right person yourself so you can attract the right person.”
As we daydream, we forget that “like attracts” more often than the “opposite attracts.” The truth is most pairings of the latter end up in bitterness, rancor, and dramatic ends.
Another unrealistic expectation is tweaking the other person to suit our ideal. “He or she just needs a little adjustment, and it’s going to be fine.”
Men for instance do not want surprises after “the cat is in the bag” so to speak. It is a common mistake to think that when the person has become ensnared with our charms, he can be expected to do as we please. For example, the one party would do all the cooking and housework once we are in a live-in arrangement. But once the couple marries, there is an expectation or a demand the other party participate in those household chores. A not-so-pleasant surprise to the party who is used to being served hand-and-foot. It is not idea to create a situation that is not in the long-run, sustainable. More often than not, a rude awakening comes about and both parties separate angry.
I asked a woman who has four children why she left her husband for a job as domestic helper in Hong Kong. Her reply was because he was a drunkard and would beat her up whenever he got drunk! Sounds reasonable, I thought. I think not many would put up with that! Then curiously, I followed with “What then did you see in him that made you want to marry him, in the first place?” Her reply was, “It was a time when Rico J. Puno (a Filipino singer in the 70s), was the craze; he had a striking similarity to the latter.” I was dumbfounded!
So, while women are more complicated as they are a little bit finicky, they can have moments of astonishing romantic naivete. Most, however, look for stability, which is to be expected, after all, even birds take a keen interest in a prospective partner’s physical attributes and the ability to build a nest and provide for the future offspring. In the animal kingdom, in the constant battle to procreate, the fittest emerges as the winner. And why not for humans. In fact, we should be more discriminating! People often put a negative spin on it saying that women are gold diggers, are obsessed with economic security. You can say all that, especially coming from the male who is struggling to get by. But why not, who will be the provider? This should be clear at the outset. Will the woman who already has to carry the offspring for nine months, breast-feeding them thereafter, the nurse, the caregiver, etc., also be relegated to be the provider? Red flag: Avoid freeloaders. The date who forgets his wallet and borrows money. Unfortunately, many men have cleverly done so, especially when fortunate enough to find a very capable partner. Preferring to do something less challenging, or pretending to do something when nothing is done. Watching video games is not only for kids. They are also for underdeveloped adults. Indeed, there are many lazy people out there looking at marriage as a way out of having to work for a living, no matter the sexual orientation. This type is not an ideal partner because very quickly, they become a yoke on one’s neck, a burden.
Be early for everything except marriage because as the proverb say, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.” It cautions people against rushing into matrimony before knowing for sure that they have married the right person. This is especially true when we are young and are easily carried away by romantic imaginations. Most of the time the young think marriage is a problem solver, whilst the elders look upon marriage as entering into a den of problems. A proverb says, “One should mourn at a wedding and rejoice at a funeral.” Apparently, when one marries, there is much concern about the problems and the uncertainty of the couple’s future. That is why mothers cry at the wedding of their child. Whereas, at a funeral, the deceased is clearly resting in peace. No longer will that the person be suffering from the turmoil of living.
The proverb bears out the truth because many people who got married young are ill-equipped to handle the stresses of getting along with a stranger. When the bills come, the in-laws are meddling, getting in the way, the kids are challenging, and the job security is tenuous, marriage falls apart. Heartbreak and disillusionment ensues.
So, take your time in choosing your partner!
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