One day this week, I got the bad news that the father of my children who has been battling brain cancer is back in the hospital and prognosis was uncertain.
So my boys promptly took off for Atlanta, Georgia where he now lives with his new family, to maybe have parting words with their dad, and help out with his last days.
I knew right from the beginning of his condition but to know that he is nearing the end is still devastating. Memories came back of the happy times when I thought he was my only reason for living. That our love will pull us through from unpleasantry that comes our way.
When the time came that differences occurred and both expectations failed, love finally died, and then the decision to part ways. I made it known I was always grateful that our love bore us three wonderful children. Now and ever, they and their families, are my happiness and contentment.
Undeniably, we all suffered from the break-up. It was tough as a single mom. I bore all the pain and confusion I saw in the faces of my growing boys.
We had to go through family counseling to make sure that they understand and accept the reality and that they were not alone. Thankfully occasional help from relatives and good friends, the rough sailing was made easier.
My children completely missed out on spending Christmas and New Years with him. With some families that strive to get together in one place, I never saw the glow on those young faces because somebody in their lives was missing. I tried to normalize our family the best I could. They look forward to their father’s occasional visits, and vacations with him became a big bonus.
Now we are confronted with his imminent death, suddenly I feel like holding him and saying everything is going to be alright. Now I feel that caring may not have been completely gone.
This time when there is no more pain and bitterness, I think that there might still be some unspoken words that we can say that we had failed to do when we were blinded by anger. Deep inside me, I am refusing to let him go. That I wish I have the heroic power to heal him.
The past was not all that bad, there were happy moments that we shared and enjoyed as a family. Now, I can’t help thinking and asking what went wrong when I defied everyone in my family to be with him. Mistakes were clearly made along the way and we ended up both feeling disappointed that we let each other down.
Looking at him in pictures now, it breaks my heart to see him so helpless. Gone is the sight of the man I once emotionally depended on and cared for. The disease and medication have deteriorated his body. Accepting the physical change has been difficult as well. He may have given up and accepted that he is dying.
The only way I can help now is to pray that he goes in comfort and peace. That he does not suffer and that on his last journey he goes with dignity.
For my boys, I am confident of their strength, that they have accepted it and made peace with their father, and have said their final goodbyes because this time he will be gone forever.***
Lou de Juan peacefully passed away on January 12th in Atlanta, Georgia