“He could only touch here and there, like lightning glancing on the highest peaks of mountains, but which left the deep clefts of valleys, the oceans and the clamoring rivers, in complete and shadowy darkness.” – Taylor Caldwell, The Final Hour (1944).
HERE
I feel fine being alone, really, here in my room, where no one bothers me, or asks me to play the silly games those neighborhood kids enjoy every afternoon after school and weekends, always playing while there’s more serious matter to take care of, yes, in my room I can be myself freely, acting out crazy if I want to, unmindful of prying eyes that easily judge, who I am and who will I become, that’s for me to decide, what I look at, mother or father side, as if it makes any difference, meanwhile I’m on my second year of high school, a phase of the student life that everybody says is the best time of all, especially the prom night, if I get lucky to have a beautiful partner, silly me to wish for a beauty, but that’s still a long ways to consider, right now I have to study, read and listen to the music at the same time, that’s how I approach my work life, if studying is working, so to speak, but really I don’t consider it work because there’s a lot of stuff I’m ignorant of, never a fan of the phrase: “ignorance is bliss”, instead I prefer the ever-positive adage “knowledge is power”, so I spend a lot of hours acquiring the wisdom that will hopefully prepare me for the unknowns, read romantic and detective novels, still not sophisticated enough to delve into literature, that will come later when I have more developed mind, while observing life in the privacy of my thoughts, by writing daily in my journal, I can make sense of everything, of the varying ironies and complexities of existence that can befuddle the unprepared mind, yet here I am looking outside through the window and seeing my neighbours do various activities like walking the dog, mowing the lawn, jogging, fixing and washing the cars, watering the garden, gossiping, ordinary daily stuff that helps complete a routine, or pass the time or whatever life’s structure one devises to get through the day, speaking of structure, my family always eats dinner together, that’s when we enjoy each other’s company, no matter what our mood is, it’s all suppressed for that moment to be in harmony with one another, of sharing stories and laughing at our own jokes, for “laughter is the best medicine” that can heal a grieving heart, it’s a simple psychology really that may prevent one from going to the shrink, and here is the other thing I did to my room, I painted it in black and white to signify the opposites of: day and night; happy and sad; active and idle; open and hide, speaking of hiding something, each door, whether my parents’, my sister’s, or mine hides those little secrets, when my parents quarrel but ever-afraid of the noise they make, then the making up thereafter, same with my sister and her boyfriend …hello… no matter what they do, the house is not fully sound-proof, you know, the mumblings still penetrate the crevices of the door frame, I still hear them, so is the little voice inside me that urges me to come out of my shell, don’t be shy, it says, don’t be afraid of people, they won’t eat you, experience this only life you have, whether it is burdensome or not, it must be lived, and so on and on and on, with all the platitudes I can muster to get me going, and my parents who never stop encouraging me, they give me all the love and support I need, they also give me space and allow me to rely on my instincts and judgments to know what’s right or wrong, though I get to be stubborn sometimes, and do things like a spoiled child, I love them not only to reciprocate, but also to have that lasting relationship that a family must be, for without them I am completely alone, lost in a world of solitude, so in spite of who I am, I have that comfortable and protective sanctuary which drives off potential dangers, or ill-mannered relatives and strangers, whose presence disturbs the harmony of one’s life, though they still can be forgiven, yet I can’t stay here in my room forever, I know that, over there is a world to discover, yes indeed, there in the outside world, that’s how you test your mettle, it’s time to face your fear again!
THERE
Every step I take, beginning with the entrance door of the school building, is one heavy load, my leg muscles ache so much and look forward to sitting down on my first class, but passing through the hallway where the school bullies lined-up for their mouth-infected shouts of abuses, my ears get rammed with nonsense, I clear my brain right away before it is clogged to make room for helpful facts instead, when our English teacher asks the class of the author of the opening sentence, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only”, I write down the answer on my notebook, Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities, afraid to raise my hand and give more weapon to the bullies calling me a “teacher’s pet”, and my English teacher knows so he only praises me privately whenever I submit my review essays on the reading assignments, he encourages me a lot to read expansively of literature as a way to widen my vocabulary and perspectives, but I don’t stop there, why, I reason it’s a way to overcome my shyness, so I join the glee club, although my singing voice isn’t good enough for the lead, relegated to be one of the back-up singers, bringing in tuneful background and in sync with the rest of the group, which is just fine with me since I won’t be the star at all, just one of them, also there in the basketball court, I am a point guard with good dribbling skill but afraid to attempt a shot, always passing the ball to the shooters, who get the adulation of the girls asking for autographs or dates after every game, whether we win or lose, thus my playing time is limited and spend mostly in the bench reflecting on the quintessential question: what if? Yes and if I don’t challenge myself, the unfulfilled dream will come back to haunt me, then when I get old, it will be one of those regrets, but such is life, and as the saying goes, “you win some, you lose some”, of course, winning is more important no matter how the others placate your feeling by quoting Churchill, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”, or the other famous quote that says “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game”, they soothe the defeated mind from more negatives that stifle one’s confidence to do more than expected of oneself, they say, “Dream big!” but that’s all there is, I can dream big all right and make the effort, but there is no guarantee of success, it never does, one’s talent only goes so far, and how about love… yes love that makes the world go round, it’s just elusive, never the lamp that attracts the moth, I overcome my shyness and approach her to express my undying love, but she just smiles and says, “Only time will tell if love may grow for all we know,” hey, that’s a line from the Carpenters’ song, For All We Know, what a coincidence, or is she telling me to get lost in a subtle way, what an idiot, what a moron! It will take some time for me to fall in love again, for rejects and failures will drag you down for quite a while until you find the nerve to move on, to get getting up after several miscues, So there is not easy; it’s inundated with heartaches and failures and bullies, I can’t wait to go home where my heart is sure to grow.