“There are moments in life when the clouds lift and the curtain of rain blows back and suddenly the world stands before you, stark and vast, and you teeter on the edge of an enormous precipice of knowing, of understanding with every fibre in your soul, every hair on your head; and this was one such moment.” – Brendan Slocumb, The Violin Conspiracy (2022).
Dear _______________,I leave your name blank on purpose because I don’t know you. You left my mom by the time I was born never to be seen again. Who does that? Perhaps a bad man who preys on vulnerable women just to satisfy his highly-charged manhood, or a coward who is afraid to take on the responsibility he has caused. I think in your case, both apply. But why am I writing a letter to you now? I will never forgive you even on the day you’ll take your last breath. That’s how deep my hatred of you is. Not that I wanted to know you more, or to have a little connection. I tried to find out who you were when I was young. I had to after being bullied or called names at school because I didn’t have a father. But mom wouldn’t budge although she could see I was suffering. She kept on saying, “Son, be strong and take the lumps. It will make you a better man at the end. You don’t need to know anything about him. He doesn’t deserve us. Our love together will pull us through no matter what difficulties we encounter. ”It was hard for me to accept my mom’s reasoning. I became angry and causing troubles in school. I was transferred to several schools because of my emotional instability. My mom persevered; I did too. I calmed down and matured fast. I focused my mind and effort in achieving excellence in my educational attainments. I graduated with high honours and received scholarships at the University of the Philippines. I became a full-time professor of Political Science after completing my undergraduate, Masters and PHD degrees. My lectures were well-received and my classes were popular with the students as well. I turned my life around without your help. Mom was right. Resilience is the key to surviving this miserable world. I became involved in the student movement protesting the corrupt regime of the president. The country seemed to be on the verge of a revolution. But martial law was proclaimed and the dictatorship of the president started and would last for fourteen years. I was one of the regime’s opponents who were incarcerated in the early hours of the execution of martial law. Mom often visited me in jail and said she would ask reluctantly a long-time acquaintance of securing my immediate release. She never told me his name but he must be a high-level government official because I was released after twenty days. I went underground and joined the New People’s Army (NPA) under the leadership of Amado Guerrero. When he was captured I took a prominent role in keeping the NPA relevant and strong against the president. My men and I were making several surprise raids of police stations very successfully. We were able to capture needed arms and continue the struggle. These small victories forced the government to put a bounty on my head, dead or alive. But I eluded every trap laid for my capture. I was given the nom de guerre Kumander Palos. I should give you credit for giving me this ability to escape tight situations. I had never been photographed; my birthday milestones were never recorded for posterity. My identity remains a mystery, just as you are to me. So if we meet by chance, we will never have a moment of recognition. Mom is the conduit to make communication possible between us.But ever since Mom helped me get out of prison, she never saw me again. Although I was once in a while around the vicinity watching her from a distance, I never approached her, afraid the authorities had spies tracking her every move. If I knew you, I could have begged you to keep her company and protection. She needed you; together you could have lived happily through old age. But you abandoned her, just like I abandon her – like father, like son. I am not telling you this to sow guilt in your mind, although by now you are so immune with her suffering. I am saying this to ease my guilt. I like to be with Mom and live my life in peace. But circumstances have always a way to screw things up, starting with Mom falling head over heels to a married man. Why did you allow her to fall in love with you when you already had a beautiful family? Why did you play her vulnerabilities for your selfish interests? You are a despicable human being! You are lucky I don’t know you, or else…My dangerous life is catching up with me. I don’t know how much more I can sustain the constant hiding and moving. One day a comrade will give me up for thirty pieces of silver. I watch for that inevitability. Do you even wonder if your secret would ever be revealed to your family? What prize would you pay? Again we share the same possibility of facing a moment of truth, a revelation none of us wanted. I don’t understand this connection when it’s been cut off long time ago. What other traits and links do we have in common? In my heart, I don’t want to be like you. If only I could wash away your genetic imprints in my system, I would die a happy man.I am not afraid of death. Before it takes me, I will attempt to do this final act of bravery and sacrifice. You will find out what it is because it will be front page news. I may succeed, or I may fail. I don’t care about the end-result. What matters is the unselfish devotion to a democratic cause which will give all the people a level playing field. My defiance will serve as an inspiration for others to continue the fight no matter how long it will take. I am not doing this to gain your admiration. You should know by now you are the least person in my mind. My motive of writing this letter is to beg you to take care of Mom when I am gone. She deserves a little bit of love from you. Your son (though you may not admit it)*****My suicide mission was simple. I told four of my trusted comrades about it and let them know I was not forcing them to participate. All agreed to join me nevertheless. We would penetrate the presidential guards disguised as one of them. We did a test run and it worked. We blended in easily. Our fake credentials were verified and came out solid. The guarding of the palace was on a rotating basis. We selected our target date when we were scheduled on the night shift. We would strike at early dawn, precisely at 2am. One comrade would be waiting inside our get-away vehicle. Two comrades would be on the ground floor to secure our escape. The fourth comrade would be on the upper floor near the stairwell. I would enter the presidential room and kill him. I wrote my farewell letter to my Mom, and together with my letter to an unknown father, I ordered a comrade to deliver them in person without fail the day before my suicide mission. *****I had not slept or eaten well a few days before the fateful day. I was restless in anticipation if my sinister plot would work. Would we be found out before we could strike? Fortunately the answer was no.We are in the palace as scheduled. I feel my nerves failing me. But I have to show calmness for the sake of my comrades. I order them to man their positions. Then I confidently go upstairs towards the presidential room. When I open the door I see a woman in bed with the president. She is not his wife. When she gets out of the bed and stands beside it in full view, I see a familiar face. It’s my mom!“What are you doing here?”“Son, I read your letter and came to deliver your letter to your father personally. You were saying goodbye to me and I was so afraid of what you were about to do. So I went to see your father for comfort and understanding. He read your letter and told me what’s in it. Son, don’t tell me you are here to kill your father?”“That’s right, Mom. This president must be eliminated for democracy’s sake. He’s been a dictator for far too long. He is corrupting everything he touches. I can see now he has corrupted you as well.”“Son, you just can’t believe what your naked eyes see. Context matters. I kept the identity of your father in order to protect you. Fatherless is better than being a bastard. It’s not an ideal situation but you made it through. And I am very, very proud of your accomplishments. Don’t blemish your soul with his death in your hands.”“Sorry to disappoint you, Mom, but I have a mission to fulfill!”*****Once upon a time, while the country had fallen into a deep slumber, a burst of gunfire disturbed the quietness of the early dawn. Rumours and stories were circulating beyond the normal news cycle. You could believe them all because truth is always elusive. 23 August 2023
