The baby boy you brought into the world, suckled, lovingly cared for, stared at adoringly for hours whilst he was sleeping, stayed the night up for when he was sick and you were so worried, praying he’d get well soon? That one who ran up to you whenever he was hungry, hurt, unhappy, or just wanted something? Yes, that’s the one who is now looking gloriously happy with another woman in his arm! A stranger is making your son starry eyed, looking like an angel and he’s in heaven! Your first instinct is to hate this woman, but you try to control it and become curious… what has this woman got that is making my son looking like this? You of course, get insanely threatened and jealous. How you could not? You, the only woman in your son’s life is now being replaced by a total stranger whom you know nothing of until now.
Can you rise above yourself? Your territorial, narcissistic self, and be a better person, accepting that your son is now allowing another woman to take care of him, to share in his joys and sorrows? Perhaps even in sickness and in health, for better or worse? He now loves someone else! Someone has taken your place in his heart.
This is the common feeling future mothers-in-law have because it’s frightening to see that another woman is going to be in our son’s life; our primary role becoming secondary. Many fear that the future may not include us and instead in our place, is this newfound love. So, unwittingly, jealousy makes us go for making it a little difficult for this woman. We put her to the test of whether she can “get along” with us. We are after all the first lady, and we played an important role in our son’s life.
The operative word is played. Our job is done. Now, our little boy is grown and wants to make a life with another woman. We must understand that parental love, a mother’s love, while very important and essential, is not equal to or the same as romantic love. Our little boy, now a man, needs to love and be loved by another woman. The one he will have children with, the one who will share his hopes and dreams with. He is not replacing us, his mother, but is looking at the woman, who hopefully will be the one who he will grow old with… the one who will take care of him in his final years and bury him.
The mother gives birth to the child and passes on the baton to the wife, who takes over as the next woman who will take care of his son when she’s gone. This is an important realization. Therefore, a mother needs to be nice, if not extra nice to her daughter-in-law. Be a sport, welcome this reticent lady into your family with grace and aplomb. Your son’s happiness is now in her hands. Believe me, if you make her miserable, she will naturally, let your son know about your attitude. It can make their lives easier, or harder. Their relationship bumpy, or smoother, or your you might simply lose your son if you make it so unbearable. So if you truly love your son, don’t be an old harridan.
Many marriages have failed because of mothers-in-law not graciously accepting their daughters-in-law. It is a simple fact. Learn to step back and let the new lady of the house run things the way she wants to run it. You are not perfect yourself. If your own mother-in-law put you to hell, spare your daughter-in-law from that same predicament. The more you get along, the better for the entire family, your son’s peace of mind and including your grandchildren. She has, after all, the power to cut you off entirely: from your son, and from your grandchildren. Stay relevant in your son’s family by being wonderful to your daughter-in-law. I promise you; your son will be so proud of you!
Otherwise, you will grow old lonely, bitter, and full of regrets for not being nicer. Do not make the same mistake many, many mothers have made. Be welcoming, kind, and helpful (when asked!), to your daughter-in-law. It will save everybody a lot of grief, including you! Grow up and be a gracious and loving mother-in-law. Ready to help but not obnoxiously intrusive. Hold your tongue and be gentle with your suggestions, but only when necessary, such as when the colicky baby is crying because it needs burping. Be the lady your daughter-in-law will be proud to have. Be the peacemaker, not the troublemaker. You can stay in your son’s life only when you are nice to your son’s wife. You can be banned, otherwise. Keep your tongue in check and your mouth shut. Everything that has made you a great mother, cook, etc., was made in a lifetime, with a lot of trials and errors. Give your daughter-in-law the freedom to lead her own life the way she wants it, unfettered by fear of censure or criticism from you. Give your son the gift of “a happy wife is a happy life.” Your attitude towards your daughter-in-law is how you will be remembered by her, her family, her friends, her husband, and her children. Remember, women talk! Step out of your mean and jealous self, it is for your own self-preservation, be nice to your daughter-in-law so you can enjoy the company of your grandchildren too!
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NB: Ms. Buenaobra, is a free-lance writer. She is a retiree from the International Monetary Fund (IMF), and was a professor of Tagalog at the George Washington University in Washington, D.C., USA